Is Self Love Selfish?

Self-love, what is it? Why should we love ourselves and how do we do that? I’ve been looking into working this out for about a year or so since the concept of self-love landed on my radar.

Last year I discovered a brilliant YouTube channel that I resonated with and that channel belongs to the beautiful soul Kirsty Dee. I had heard some of Kirsty’s ideas through the work of Spiritual Queen Emma Mumford, and I was intrigued to learn more because these ideas felt so authentic and spoke to me at a time when I was making good progress in healing a few struggles with anxiety and post baby blues. I investigated YouTube for Kirsty’s channel and was captivated; I can only really put it down to Kirsty being so honest and open about her own difficulties and spiritual journey, so you could tell that every piece of advice she offered and every tip she spoke of was not a sell, but coming from such a true and integral place. So a few weeks ago when I discovered on Instagram stories that Kirsty was calling for people to join her #SelfLoveTember movement along with joining her Facebook group Choose To Rise, I championed her actions and wondered whether it was something I could also get on board with. My initial excitement about SelfLoveTember was obviously met by my ego or for context let’s just say fear, no doubt stemming from the conditioning and ideas we’ve all been fed through our societies, communities and cultures; that honouring yourself and putting your needs first is selfish and has no purpose other than being vain and too much into ourselves. I was reminded by my ego (so helpfully) that self-love could be seen as a bit of a dirty phrase, conjuring up images of standing in front of mirrors telling yourself you are beyond awesome – and yes that does have a place, I’ve heard mirror work is a thing, but where I am coming from in this blog post is definitively at the beginning of a self-love journey where we are exploring and discovering what it means to turn love inwards towards ourselves.

At first I thought it might come across as and even feel a bit self indulgent to engage with self-love and share this on social media, so I procrastinated on taking part, unsure yet hearing little whispers from my soul to just go for it as I felt it would be beneficial for my overall wellbeing. The next morning I woke up feeling particularly anxious, really not feeling life, and was guided to pull up an oracle card from the Kyle Gray Angel Prayers app. The reading spoke of calling in spiritual support and from that I somehow got on the self-love train. My husband likes to affectionately tease me as I always say ‘ask the Angels’ When something good happens so now he always says it must be the Angels and the Crystals to which I reply yes it must be!  Asking the Angels has been a huge part of helping me heal when I went through a dark time and I will maybe write more about that in a separate blog post, but this act of calling in spiritual support is something I had recently forgotten to do, and essentially taking the pressure off myself to fix my feelings felt like an act of self-love. In that moment self-love felt good and took on a different meaning for me, so in an instant I made a commitment to myself to follow #SelfLoveTember and take actions towards loving myself so I can unblock some of the limitations that might exist in manifesting the life I truly want and the full potential I wish to rise up to. I am so glad I did because I have learnt so much more about self-love than what I initially thought it entailed.

One insight in particular is that self love is definitely not self indulgent in the shallow sense, because from participating in SelfLoveTember I can clearly see that self love is intertwined with some form of positive mindset or wellbeing practice; or spiritual and law of attraction practices. If we are to get super deep, the act of self love could even serve to heal past Karma. This is because all of these practices raise our sense of worth and wellbeing. Self-Love then is basically the act of raising your vibration in whatever way feels good to you – no judgement is key; to not compare or feel like our choices are not good enough. It can be as simple or as deep as you wish it to be. Once we raise our vibration, we create an abundance of positive energy within us that can be used to serve the world in loving and miraculous ways. Self-love can light up one heart and move several mountains.

I also believe that self-love relates so much to where we focus our energies. I have personally noticed the effects of focusing my energies away from self-love, because I used to spend quite a lot of time outpouring my inner resources into fulfilling what others wanted or expected from me and working on reaching a bar that others had set as right for me. I was quite surprised at just how low I ended up feeling after years of giving my power away, when I never thought I would experience depression or anxiety. When I really thought about it none of those outward expressions felt good or right so it’s no wonder that anxiety and depression did affect me from becoming depleted of the good stuff within me. So I’ve experienced as I’m sure many other people have, what lack of self-love can lead to. Not a pretty picture at all. It’s not easy to love ourselves and I used to think I was the only one who felt this way, often wanting to be someone else but I have since come to learn that this is a universal issue – the struggle to quieten the fear based voice of the ego and find an acceptance for our flaws and difficulties. It’s only when I accepted that it was ok for me to be an anxious person and that this imperfection was perfectly fine to have that it began to lift and heal as I stopped resisting and pushing against it with more negativity. I guess it’s about recognising that the parts of myself I think I don’t like are actually what make me humble and human, beautiful signals carrying a message from my soul.

I see self- love now as turning inwards to find what truly fulfils me and it can be as simple as writing a gratitude list, or fifteen minutes of yoga. I like to put my hand on my heart in the mornings and let the Universe know I’m thankful for being safe and held and that’s me giving myself some love even when I may not particularly feel like facing the day. I’ve found a bit more self-love through engaging more with my passions and hobbies such as blogging, content creating and songwriting no matter how scared I am of coming across deluded because I’m not a professional singer or musician or don’t have a million followers on Instagram. This is because I’m bringing forth something creative from within and that in turn is magnetising, filling me up with a joy that the outside world can never give to me, and that life force my passion brings me in a given moment is one that the outside world cannot take away from me. Another way I practiced self-love without actually knowing that’s what it was, came through a kind of awakening once my anxiety and depression began to lift. It was certain choices that started to empower me such as being more comfortable with saying no to people and situations that didn’t make me feel good rather than pressing on for the sake of it. Simply witnessing that I could hold my sense of worth with challenging people and energy vampires was also a self-love game changer.

As another layer, I had plenty of negative self talk going on in my mind. This often sounded like ‘you’re not meeting the needs and expectations of xyz person so this means you are a bad person’ or ‘you’re not good at xyz as that person is, so you are rubbish, you keep getting it wrong  and might as well give up – why were you even born?’ (Ouch, is anyone else’s ego this harsh)?! This is basically me feeding myself something toxic, but since SelfLoveTember started the epiphany has been to relearn the way I talk to myself, making a conscious effort to feed myself as much positivity and kindness as I can so it changes me on a cellular level and I become what I want to attract. We live in an attraction-based Universe so filling ourselves up with positivity and love means those are the type of situations we will attract into our lives. A couple of days ago I was listening to a podcast interview with Jessica Reid Clairvoyant on manifesting, where she touched upon the idea of considering what energy frequency we are holding, so it makes sense that if we are holding a more loving and positive perspective of ourselves then we are more likely to reflect that and the Universe can create that for us. If we are particularly stuck she suggested asking yourself how you can feel supported, which is again turning inward and self love practices are definitely one way we can up level on that feeling of support, one step at a time. There are plenty of ideas and inspirational shares on Kirsty Dee’s Facebook group Choose to Rise so do head on over there to find out more if you need to fill your own cup up a bit more. Some of my favourite self-love practices are journaling out my feelings, listening to inspiring podcasts and motivational videos, holding my rose quartz crystals because they give such a warm loving vibration, carving out creative time for songwriting, working on my heart chakra through yoga and meditation and even just doing something kind for others wherever possible, smiling and laughing, eating well and staying as present as I can when I’m with my young children. I’m by no means perfect or a master of self-love because you do have to still face your demons but loving your way through that process adds less self hate on the pile which makes moving through our difficulties and pain with much more ease and Grace. An affirmation I like to say when I’m feeling on the downward spiral is ‘I am working through things and things are working out.’

There have been many past pioneers of self-love before the age of Instagram, such as the Late Louise Hay, who helped transform how we think about ourselves and how we stand in our own power. She has been an inspiration to many and I love all of her quotes. I do feel a wave of reassurance and peace wash over me whenever I read a Louise Hay quote, because all just seems well in that moment. It definitely seems as though she was able to transcend quite negative situations in her life by cultivating self-love. The quality of that transformative energy radiates in all her words, spreading positivity to this day.

I love myself so much today, I’m awesome, I’ve got this…

For me at present in terms of the inner experience with self-love, it’s not a case of being able to say hey I’m so awesome and I love me, I’m so happy with myself, but it is a simple act towards myself of saying I’ve got this, I know where my energy is best focused and I am choosing to rise even when it’s hard and even when I may not always feel like it.

Find your inner well and fill it up with healing waters. I wish you all a day filled with love and fulfilment. 

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