Letter to my younger self

Dear Prerna

You’ve not long had a taste of what it’s like to be your own person, a little bit of freedom away from home. Your mum is right that you are different since coming back from University. You discovered so much about yourself which you won’t give enough credit to for at least a few more years. The power of holding your own, knowing you have it all within you to achieve what you set out to, a newfound confidence, stripping of layers and a bank of lessons when it comes to your self-worth and friendships. You won’t have mastered this at all though, you’re hardly aware of it to be honest so that means the patterns replay through the next phase of your life but that’s all totally ok. As they say these days it’s ok not to be ok and you come to understand that and have more compassion towards yourself. You will learn after your true awakening that your soul came back here to work on that very thing, a personal Karma of really working on your worth above all else. Maybe it was all part of the bigger picture to not know that at all and do it the other way around; constantly putting others needs above your own and that persistent feeling of guilt whenever you honoured your authentic self, so that you would truly work on it and understand it.

You always knew you wanted to marry young, and now it’s actually happened! Though you are certain of the power of prayer, you don’t yet know anything about the power of your thoughts, intentions and words for now you’ve met Raj and it’s all moving so fast; the very situation you talked to your friends about in being the first one of your group to find the one and get married – how often you said you would love that! For some reason that maybe goes back through past lives it was your main driver in life to find that one person who would truly see you, get you and go deep with you. He does but it’s not always as peachy as you hoped – deep is one word for it. You always believed you would know when you know and it would be that unexplainable magical thing and I want to say well done to you for not betraying yourself on that because your mum said you were being stubborn when she tried to set you up with other guys and you just knew they were not the one. Be forgiving towards her as remember she is just acting out of her own fears and experiences, she has a lot of pressure on her plate, people to answer to and save face for but don’t forget that compromising line you have to keep pushing so that you yourself don’t just become a tick box daughter.

A revealing truth I can tell you is although your yes for Raj was because you truly like him and recognised a connection with him that goes beyond time and fell for him fast, part of it – the rush to get into a marriage is so you will please your family especially your Grandma because winning her approval is like trying to cut rocks with your teeth at times. It feels amazing receiving the appraisal you always craved, settling into a life that meets the criteria of what your family have hammered into you as being worthy, good and right. Meeting him gave you plenty of outside validation from the people in your society and you felt some of the insecurities about your appearance and generally never feeling good enough were being erased. You’ve met the expectation and then some! Of your parents and God. Please God all the time and you won’t lose. I wish so much to tell you that your concept of God as this all watching, approving or disapproving entity,  holding all the power and deciding when to hand it out will change – it will have to because this is not God and it won’t feel good – it just won’t. It feels like you’re winning when finally you are receiving a bit more attention from the people who you always felt invisible to. I want you to know that this type of validation is a temporary fix and in fact in the years to come it will feel so intolerable that you will resent putting all your faith into it. You were never the confident outgoing beautiful one or so you were led to believe, but always appreciate that Raj is great at genuinely making you feel beautiful inside and out even on your off days. You both have a good laugh when he jokes about what a geek you can be and you will totally come to love your inner geek because you’ll realise that being a geek gives you focus, passion and motivation for things many people don’t care about.

Just go easy on yourself when bitterness antagonises you in the future because you didn’t know any different at the time, and remember it’s all a lesson in finally having the confidence to trust in yourself. Our souls choose the most conflicting and opposing experiences so that we can grow and expand and know what we truly want and who we truly are. You will eventually through the rollercoaster ride discover the thrill of it being within you all along and you’ll find ways and tools to access it. Remember when you were younger and you used to question your dad on what exactly is the Universe and why is it here? You will find those answers and more.  You will feel so supported and held by the Universe because it will keep giving you ways to heal, ways to grow and ways to truly feel good. Life is suffering sometimes yes, but it’s not a prison sentence so keep that in mind. There are limitless ways to live this life, and all are good and valid, not just the ways you were told were the best growing up because you will learn the hard way that those ways deemed as right or the epitome of all that is, won’t always serve you. Of course you will still doubt yourself, judge your choices and feel unsure but you will be better equipped to deal with that when it surfaces. 

Those first few years of marriage are so hard and the fairytail of the first few months quickly changes. External pressures will strain your relationship and it will be challenging but keep reminding yourself there’s no one else you would rather go through these challenges with. It’s like being together is creating an up level in facing Karmic lessons and moving on from them to create the space for what matters. You can laugh now at the ridiculous things you did because you thought that’s what you should do, the lighter side of that being sitting in a saree everyday for the first few weeks aiming to be the traditional Indian wife – safe to say you were not born for that, it doesn’t comes as naturally to you as you thought it would! Forced things don’t really stand the test of time. The heavier side was trying to save everyone and somehow believing that you had to be a certain person or the person that everyone was missing all along, to help them and be a showcase for society – I can tell you now that it only serves to strip people of taking responsibility for their own happiness. It makes you overly vulnerable in people making you feel not good enough and stealing your freedom from you. Experiencing freedom will become your theme for 2019 as you were starved of it for so long, your soul will come knocking for it, telling you it’s time to own it and give up squashing yourself into a life plan that others defined for you. That glittering life you envisioned with Raj through your rose tinted glasses is not quite materialising and at times you don’t recognise yourself. Living with a new family with their own issues and ideas is chaotic, unsettling and so tough – you’re doing okay even though you don’t feel like you are. I want you to truly feel into this tand stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be perfect and get it right – to succeed at this whole daughter in law and wife thing. You are in your early twenties and should be enjoying your life, being a bit reckless, running after your goals and passions instead of stressing about how you don’t know what you’re doing or panicking that you didn’t get the family dinner cooked on time. It’s okay to be feeling out of your depth, don’t be hard on yourself about that because you are still a baby when it comes to settling into an adulting life – you’ve still got so much to discover about yourself and you will realise this when your peers can’t even imagine getting into a situation like this at that age. You will realise the ways other people are not afraid to be free so see these people as your expanders in showing you what’s possible rather than feeling jealous or like you missed out, or even judging them because you couldn’t think out of the boxes you packed yourself into. The universe will eventually help you out of those boxes, there will be a way for change because discovering a documentary called the Secret will be a saviour for your mindset and put you on the path to reclaiming all the power you gave away.

You will get hurt and experience heartbreak and humiliation on another level – you never thought being in a committed and loving marriage would suffer this because your view of marriage was always idealised as the gift that would fix your problems, take you away from the difficulties of your current home life and yes you might finally be able to do what you want, those things you asked your mum for and she always said; want to colour you hair you can do it when you’re married, want to go out to watch a film with a boy? Do it when you’re married, want to wear something eat something say something buy something? You can when you’re married. You’re starting to realise marriage may not be the final answer. However the pain is all a beautiful lesson in growing in compassion for the human experience. Being religious and trying to doing everything the right way doesn’t mean you are immune to life’s lows or make you any better as a human being, and what led to the heartbreak was also part of the wakeup call in realising situations and people are not always what they seem. You were naive and took everything and everyone at face value – you put your trust in people very easily and you showered respect on those that quite frankly hadn’t earned it from you. Just being told that you should respect someone because of a hierarchy or relationship is actually a load of BS…everyone needs to earn their respect not just you and if they don’t, quit giving them any more or your worry or time.

A few more months in and you started to notice on subtle levels how that trust was being taken advantage of and feeding other people’s egos. People sell you so much crap and you tend to buy it as gospel only to find out it’s not, so save your energetic currency and put it into the things that truly feel right to you. Some days you look around at your life and your expressions and the thoughts that dawn are one of an actress in a movie realising they were in a matrix all along. Like it’s all a set up. It’s disconcerting but in those times remember you’re held and the Universe will always come through for you. It’s just showing you where you didn’t put up boundaries or respect your own needs. Make sure that when others are taking the mick with your emotions that you love yourself enough to turn inwards. Stand your ground, because being nice all the time and worrying about making sure others are pleased with what you’ve done will only get you so far and in fact it will keep you from experiencing fulfilment and tax your precious time. Everyone is a reflection and mirror for each other so remember that sometimes you need to be the lesson for other people so they can wake up to themselves too and change their ways. Constantly filling their cups won’t serve their highest good because everyone has to change and grow and have their own journey.

You will travel a lot more than you ever did before you were married. People will comment on how lucky you are to have all these amazing holidays and yes no one could feel more grateful than you for this because it’s something you never had much of growing up. However what people won’t see or understand are the less than rosy feelings you were burdened with on those holidays – the guilt about running away from situations, the worry about what other people were thinking whenever you were missing in action from your daughter in law role and the sinking dread of having to return to a life that felt so trapped and unfulfilling. Imagine I’m giving you a hug now because you need to know that the Universe doesn’t just love you because of these roles. You are allowed to be in joy, don’t deny yourself your soul. You are loved, regardless and it’s ok that you don’t know this now because other situations will appear that will finally help you realise this lesson. You can mess up, you can fail, you can feel shame. fear and imperfection because everyone does and the higher powers that be won’t abandon you. In fact you will find greater nourishment in these more raw and vulnerable places.

Ok so now listen here, there is this thing, you’re about to discover something that will shake you to the core, something that in fact will feel traumatising and crack the mirror illusion of this ‘now I’m married life is sorted’ mentality because life feels far from sorted when you hear it. You will beat yourself up about not being able to process it, understand or accept it. It feels like both a burden and a blessing – paradoxes! It’s lonely of course because it’s not really something you can discuss openly with others or share about it and you will be shocked at how your childhood fears have come back to haunt you. It’s a tough one and still is, but let me give you the love that you couldn’t give yourself about it at the time. You are not bad, wrong, an embarrassment or a failure for feeling fear. In a few years’ time you will realise this shame you have around fear is a universal thing. It’s not just you, everyone goes through it and the best part is you will learn that fear is just an illusion and can’t really hurt you. There is always a possibility for things to feel easier and different and you will get to experience this. You don’t know it right now but the situation is a reflection of what you’ve attracted and yes ok you may have a lot of inner work to do to understand the why, but layers will fall away and it will bring you back to your authentic self. It’s only playing out the way it is as a means to help heal your childhood trauma – the trauma that was not properly addressed, the trauma that was laughed at, the trauma you shut down because you felt unable to talk to anybody about it. The trauma that you never thought could be called trauma because wasn’t trauma usually violent, abusive awful stuff? You will find a sense of relief when in the future social media changes the commonly accepted perception of trauma and redefines it so that many more people including yourself can give themselves permission to heal from the things they brushed off as not that bad. I know you’re not a kid anymore and feel like you should be braver and more capable, but you still deserve the soothing and ease to know you don’t have to resist your feelings, you can acknowledge them – they’re trying to tell you something. This all continues to play out and comes to a head after you have children to truly help you wake up and heal but that’s for another letter. For now my love, be twenty four embrace your joy fully, find a little space in your day to do what lights you up because that’s where the magic lies for you in terms of the design of your soul. Find fulfilment in the present moment. And yes if you’re wondering, one day your teenage dream to watch the Spice Girls perform live at Wembley comes true – trust little one, thoughts and intentions manifest.

Love from your future self xxx

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